Eye Square Martial Arts

Cultural Preservation… with Bruises.

Tag: De-escalation

  • The Smart Monkey

    The Smart Monkey

    Prepared, Not Violent – Part VII

    I was listening to a podcast hosted by Colion Noir where he interviewed a defense attorney with experience in self-defense cases involving firearms. Around the 40-minute mark, the attorney mentioned advice he gave to his son: avoid ego-driven conflicts.

    The advice boiled down to this: when dealing with a “typical jerk,” don’t escalate. Instead, offer a sincere apology—even if you feel wronged.

    That idea reminded me of something from Rory Miller’s work—either Facing Violence or Conflict Communication. He talks about the “Smart Monkey,” a concept rooted in the Triune Brain Theory of human evolution.

    According to this model, the brain evolved in three layers:

    • The Lizard – The medulla oblongata, responsible for survival instincts
    • The Monkey – The amygdala, concerned with tribal identity, emotion, and social behavior
    • The Human – The neocortex, home of logic, language, creativity, and reason

    Most interpersonal conflict—especially social aggression—happens at the Monkey level. As we’ve discussed in earlier entries, that’s because The Monkey lives in the world of emotion, ego, and social status.

    When someone violates The Monkey’s rules, it screams for satisfaction. This looks like insults, chest-thumping, and other forms of ego posturing—basically, flinging metaphorical feces. And if both monkeys keep flinging, things tend to escalate… until someone throws a punch.

    The problem is that outside a controlled environment (like a dojo or training gym), violence is illegal, no matter how ritualized it feels in the moment.

    Even worse, if you’re dealing with someone who has real experience with violence—especially criminal violence—they may not follow the same “rules” your monkey expects. They might skip the yelling phase entirely and go straight to weapons or a brutal preemptive strike.

    So… what do we do?

    As we’ve mentioned in earlier posts, the most reliable tool for de-escalation is a sincere apology.

    But here’s the hard part:
    Your monkey does not want to apologize.
    It wants to emotionally punish the other person. It wants to dominate. It wants to win.

    And the pull is powerful.

    Enter: The Smart Monkey

    The Smart Monkey knows how to manage these emotions.

    You’re not “giving in.” You’re soothing your own ego by choosing strategy over impulse.

    You can tell your monkey:

    “Yes, that guy was a jerk. But you’re smarter. You just outmaneuvered him. You got out safe, and he’ll be the one still raging at the air while you’re enjoying your evening.”

    Apologize. De-escalate. Walk away.
    Maybe even buy the jerk a beer.

    Not because he deserves it…
    …but because you deserve to survive.

  • The Motivations for Violence

    The Motivations for Violence

    Prepared, Not Violent is an ongoing series from Eye Square Martial Arts exploring how martial artists can understand, avoid, and prepare for real-world violence—without becoming consumed by it.

    This is Part V: The Motivations for Violence

    At first glance, the motivations behind violence can seem random—chaotic events with no logic behind them. But the truth is: violence always has a reason, even if the victim is unrelated to the perpetrator.

    One useful framework for understanding these reasons comes from Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. From this model, we can break violence down into three primary categories:

    1. Survival / Resource-Based Violence
    2. Social Cohesion Violence
    3. Self-Actualized Violence

    🥖 Survival / Resources

    The lowest levels of Maslow’s pyramid include:

    • Physiological needs (breathing, food, water)
    • Safety needs (shelter, predictability, physical security)

    Violence motivated by survival often comes from desperation—especially when addiction is involved. A mugger isn’t typically trying to feed their starving family (despite popular media tropes); they’re often feeding an addiction.

    Important note:
    Withdrawals from substances—especially alcohol—can be lethal. Alcohol is one of the most dangerous and violence-associated substances in the world. People in the grip of addiction can become unpredictable, desperate, and, in a very real sense, possessed.

    This type of violence is often patterned and predictable:

    • The mugger selects known “hunting grounds”
    • They use routine tactics to maximize success
    • Creating a reactionary gap (e.g., throwing a wallet one direction and fleeing another) can help you escape

    🧑‍🤝‍🧑 Social Cohesion

    Maslow’s mid-level needs are:

    • Belonging
    • Esteem

    These are the layers where most Westerners encounter violence. It’s tribal—about status, respect, and group belonging.

    Violence at this level is usually “on script.” People are defending perceived status, correcting rule violations, or asserting dominance.

    Examples:

    • A sincere, non-weasel-worded apology can defuse a tense social encounter.
    • Smaller individuals may provoke larger ones—if they lose, it’s expected; if they win, the social payoff is large.
    • Much of female-on-female aggression at this level manifests as social exclusion or reputation destruction.

    This is the arena of honor culture violence, bar fights, and public confrontations. The motives are understandable—even predictable—when you understand the rules of the group or environment.

    Recommended resources:

    🧠 Self-Actualization

    At the top of Maslow’s hierarchy is self-actualization—doing something simply because you want to, not because you have to.

    Normally, this is seen as a positive goal: becoming a great artist, helping others, or exploring your full potential.

    But the dark side of self-actualization is choosing to do terrible things just because you enjoy them. This is the realm of:

    • Serial killers
    • Sexual predators
    • Power-seekers who inflict pain and suffering because it satisfies something within them

    These individuals aren’t driven by need or status—they’re fulfilled by violence itself. This is rare, but it’s important to recognize it as its own category.

    🎯 Final Thoughts

    Understanding the motivations behind violence won’t make you immune to it—but it will help you recognize patterns, de-escalate where possible, and respond with the right mindset and tools.

    Not all violence is personal. But all violence is purposeful.

  • The Self-Protection Toolbox: Why Self-Defense Isn’t Just Fighting

    The Self-Protection Toolbox: Why Self-Defense Isn’t Just Fighting

    When I first started martial arts, I was a young man with borderline-high blood pressure and very little understanding of what violence actually looked like. The school I joined had a section of its curriculum labeled “Self-Defense Techniques,” and being the naïve student I was, I assumed that because I was learning martial arts, I was learning self-defense.

    Fast forward about ten years, and I came across Meditations on Violence by Rory Miller. That book hit me like a freight train. It forced me to reckon with the fact that I knew next to nothing about real self-defense—let alone the broader and more accurate concept of self-protection (a term that reaches far beyond just physical skills, and yes, self-defense is a legal term, not a tactical one).

    As I’ve explored in previous parts of this series, protecting yourself and others is about much more than knowing how to throw a punch.

    At the highest level, it begins with mindset:

    • Understanding why and where violence happens
    • Knowing what you’re willing to die for—or go to prison for

    Below that, you have conduct—how you move through the world:

    • The way you dress
    • What tools or gear you carry
    • How you carry yourself
    • Your ability to maintain awareness
    • Your willingness to enforce your boundaries

    With the right mindset and conduct, you can avoid the vast majority of violent situations. Most predators look for easy targets. If you don’t make yourself one, they’ll likely move on.

    But avoidance isn’t always possible. When conflict still arises, that’s when specific skillsets come into play:

    • Situational awareness
    • Emotional regulation (especially under stress)
    • Interpersonal skills and de-escalation tactics

    And only when all else fails do we fall back on physical force. Even then, it’s not just about “winning”—you also have to navigate the legal aftermath of a violent encounter.

    One of the cruel ironies of self-protection is this:

    The simpler the tool, the more often it’s needed.
    The more complex the skill, the less likely you’ll use it.

    It takes just a few seconds to think about how you dress and present yourself. But building the physical and emotional skills to handle a violent encounter might take years. And understanding the legal landscape? That could take a lifetime.

    This series exists to help you build a complete toolbox—mental, emotional, physical, and legal—for self-protection. Because being prepared doesn’t mean being violent.

    It means being ready.

    Want to build your own self-protection toolbox? Start with Part I: Flipping the Switch.