Eye Square Martial Arts

Cultural Preservation… with Bruises.

Tag: Prepared Not Violent

  • The Smart Monkey

    The Smart Monkey

    Prepared, Not Violent – Part VII

    I was listening to a podcast hosted by Colion Noir where he interviewed a defense attorney with experience in self-defense cases involving firearms. Around the 40-minute mark, the attorney mentioned advice he gave to his son: avoid ego-driven conflicts.

    The advice boiled down to this: when dealing with a “typical jerk,” don’t escalate. Instead, offer a sincere apology—even if you feel wronged.

    That idea reminded me of something from Rory Miller’s work—either Facing Violence or Conflict Communication. He talks about the “Smart Monkey,” a concept rooted in the Triune Brain Theory of human evolution.

    According to this model, the brain evolved in three layers:

    • The Lizard – The medulla oblongata, responsible for survival instincts
    • The Monkey – The amygdala, concerned with tribal identity, emotion, and social behavior
    • The Human – The neocortex, home of logic, language, creativity, and reason

    Most interpersonal conflict—especially social aggression—happens at the Monkey level. As we’ve discussed in earlier entries, that’s because The Monkey lives in the world of emotion, ego, and social status.

    When someone violates The Monkey’s rules, it screams for satisfaction. This looks like insults, chest-thumping, and other forms of ego posturing—basically, flinging metaphorical feces. And if both monkeys keep flinging, things tend to escalate… until someone throws a punch.

    The problem is that outside a controlled environment (like a dojo or training gym), violence is illegal, no matter how ritualized it feels in the moment.

    Even worse, if you’re dealing with someone who has real experience with violence—especially criminal violence—they may not follow the same “rules” your monkey expects. They might skip the yelling phase entirely and go straight to weapons or a brutal preemptive strike.

    So… what do we do?

    As we’ve mentioned in earlier posts, the most reliable tool for de-escalation is a sincere apology.

    But here’s the hard part:
    Your monkey does not want to apologize.
    It wants to emotionally punish the other person. It wants to dominate. It wants to win.

    And the pull is powerful.

    Enter: The Smart Monkey

    The Smart Monkey knows how to manage these emotions.

    You’re not “giving in.” You’re soothing your own ego by choosing strategy over impulse.

    You can tell your monkey:

    “Yes, that guy was a jerk. But you’re smarter. You just outmaneuvered him. You got out safe, and he’ll be the one still raging at the air while you’re enjoying your evening.”

    Apologize. De-escalate. Walk away.
    Maybe even buy the jerk a beer.

    Not because he deserves it…
    …but because you deserve to survive.

  • Controlling Your Center

    Controlling Your Center

    Prepared, Not Violent is an ongoing series from Eye Square Martial Arts exploring how martial artists can understand, avoid, and prepare for real-world violence—without becoming consumed by it.

    This is Part III: Controlling Your Center

    There are certain subjects that tend to get under my skin. Maybe you’ve got a few of your own. I’ve let myself get riled up before—enough that it’s cost me friendships.

    One example still stings. A former friend’s girlfriend clearly knew how to press my buttons. She poked at a topic she knew would get a rise out of me. I reacted. She cried to him. He ghosted me for a week, and then told me we couldn’t be friends anymore.

    But personal drama aside—there’s a deeper lesson here.

    When you allow someone else to trigger your emotions, you’re essentially handing over control. You’re letting them steer the ship.

    And that’s never good. At least, not for you.

    You Teach People How to Treat You

    Every time you react in a certain way, you reinforce the rulebook others use when dealing with you.

    If you explode when challenged, people learn to provoke you when they want to win.
    If you withdraw when criticized, people learn to guilt you into silence.
    If you overextend when praised, people learn to flatter you into compliance.

    Most people aren’t evil. But most people are human—and they’ll push for what they want, even when it’s not in your best interest.

    “If You’re Feeling, You’re Not Thinking”

    Here’s a hard truth: when your emotions take over, your reasoning shuts down. The limbic system—your “monkey brain”—hijacks your frontal cortex. That’s the part responsible for logic and decision-making.

    Worse, it doesn’t just override logic—it recruits it. Once your emotions are in the driver’s seat, your brain gets to work justifying your feelings rather than evaluating the situation objectively.

    Identity Is the Emotional Trap

    This is why topics like politics, religion, and even martial arts can cause otherwise calm people to lose their minds. These things get tied to your identity. And once something becomes part of who you are, any challenge to it feels personal.

    Disagree with my stance? You’re attacking me.
    Criticize my art? You’re disrespecting my identity.

    It doesn’t even have to be serious. Some people will go to war over what car you drive, what coffee you drink, or whether you put pineapple on pizza.

    And here’s the kicker: when researchers put people into MRI machines and asked them political or religious questions, the logical parts of the brain didn’t light up. The emotional centers did.

    We think we’re being rational, but we’re not.

    Keep Your Center

    In martial arts, the “center” is your balance point. Lose it, and you’re vulnerable. The same is true emotionally.

    If you want to be prepared—not just for violence, but for life—you have to own your center. That means not letting others manipulate your emotional state. It means noticing when your buttons are being pushed, and choosing not to react blindly.

    It’s hard. But it’s worth it.

    Control yourself—so no one else can.